october
October 23, 2020
kayleigh lagimodiere
NOTE – “i really enjoy writing, but i also understand literature is sometimes classist, so i use language everyone will understand & don’t adhere to proper sentence structure or grammar rules, it’s intentional & it’s a way of resistance!” kayleigh lagimodiere
i spent a year earthside with my dad; learning him, loving him, being loved by him.
when i think about the things i have missed, i am filled with anger:
when i think about the things i am going to miss, i am filled with sorrow.
my dads been gone every year i've turned since the one we spent together.
he's missed every birthday, every broken heart, every day since then.
he's gone on my wedding day, he's gone on the day nellie comes down from the stars,
as things are beginning to become important i notice this loss a little more he's gone,
he's gone, he's gone.
on my dads last day earthside i like to imagine he had loved me
enough to sustain a life time without him,it's a thought that keeps me grounded.
-a thought that makes me want to love everyone in a way that could last a life time.
i imagine he held me, he kissed my forehead before he left and he whispered
"i love you my girl, i'll be back soon, goodnight."
he didn't know, goodnight meant, i'll see you again- but not for a while.
grief engulfs me this time of year, like clock work-
grief, i've learned, is really just love. its all the love you want to give but cannot.
even time cannot heal this pain,
and even if it could, i don't think i'd want it to.
these feelings, they have more of you than i've had in years.
for now we meet in dreams, in prayer, in ceremony:
for now my grief is the most of you i have:
for now i am the most of you, they have.
walking in two worlds: my physical body here
my spirit somewhere, holding your hand.
losing you, but having you so close to my heart.
small moments, of frustration and anger
i wish you could just be here
why must i suffer to feel you
my night spent under the stars was the closest thing
to being in your arms i have felt in years,
i no longer imagine sitting on your shoulders
because you came to see me in my dreams that night:
you rubbed my back,
and kissed my forehead.
our time together is never long, but it leaves me feeling full, and loved.
i worry that i sound crazy, talking about you talking to you;
screaming at you
how could you leave me
why don't you visit me more
how can i get you to hold my hand
your journey to the spirit world was years ago;
that is your home now.
how lucky am i to have you come back to earth
when i am doing the most sacred things,
to rub my back when i am fasting;
to hold my hand while i am in prayer.
i would love more of you;
but when that day comes,
we will have had years of times together,
and years of time to make up for.